In the words of Jodeci:

“Come and talk to me”

“I really wanna meet you”

“Can I talk to you”

“I really wanna know you (Jodeci, 1992)

Yet, communication goes out the window when I give you my number, and we date for a while. 

Yes, Jodeci meant for this song to be romantic, but it describes the chase many people experience and the letdown others feel when the person pursuing them stops giving them the treatment they initially received. 

In the beginning, it’s flowers, good morning texts, and fewer gaps in communication. 

But, once the honeymoon stage has ended, it is hard to maintain this treatment. 

And we may ask ourselves, did we do something wrong? 

Why is the person who wanted us all along starting to act “shady?” 

We will assume many different reasons, but something we won’t do is ask about the elephant in the room. 

There can be many reasons why we don’t, such as we don’t care, don’t want to hear a lie, or are too scared to listen to the truth. 

We may not ask because we fear rejection.

We may not ask because we feel we won’t get the necessary answers. 

But, when we don’t communicate, we leave ourselves vulnerable to creating explanations in our heads for their lack of communication and operate off of those assumptions. 

Y’all know what I am talking about. But, if not, I will offer an example. 

Let’s say someone you’re talking to starts acting “strange.” Their communication has stopped all out of the blue, and distance is created between you and the other person. 

A few assumptions will come to your mind. They are not interested anymore. They are not making me a priority. They are not serious about the relationship.

As a result, you will start distancing yourself. Like Vivica A. Fox said, “Two Can Play That Game” (Brown, 2001).

But, what Vivica realized in that movie was that her assumptions were all wrong. And it was when she asked for clarification from Morris Chestnut, she realized all it took was a conversation. 

It takes two to tango, so Morris Chestnut could have spoken up first. But, ladies, we can’t control how others act or respond; we can only control what we do. 

Therefore, we must communicate! 

For some reason, communication is not the first thing we go to in relationships. Whether it is a significant other, friend, or family member, talking is not our first thought. 

Instead, our first thoughts include separation, distance, anger, and other feelings that may not be necessary if we got the clarification we needed. 

As you all know, I always say everyone’s intention does not always match their impact. And, please don’t get me wrong, I am not condoning any “shady” behavior. 

But I ask that instead of jumping to conclusions, you ask the person you need clarification from ASAP! 

Don’t sit and wait, marinating in your anger and hurt. Ask for what you need! 

And, if they cannot give you what you need, ask why.

And, if there’s no explanation, remind them “To the Left, To the Left” until they are willing to communicate with you (Beyonce, 2006).

Honor yourself enough to know that you deserve effective communication and offer patience when needed, as only some know how to communicate, but set boundaries when the request is not being honored. 

But remember, whatever you ask for, you have to offer. 

Therefore, if you need communication, you have to communicate as well. 

It means you can’t go ghost and come back without an explanation. 

Even if the explanation is that I needed time to process, you should offer that person you care for that clarification.  

The first thing we learn as children is how to speak our native tongue to communicate with others. 

We spend years in classes perfecting our native tongue to use in the courtroom, at our jobs, in emails, via texts, and in other places that require English as the Standard Language. 

Sometimes, we even pick up other languages to give us versatility. 

Therefore, we must use that language we’ve been honing for years in our relationships. 

We can’t go silent, and we can’t accept silence. 

As a result, we have to do what Tevin Campbell told us to do: ask the question, “Can we talk?” and invite the other person into the conversation (Tevin Campbell, 1993) 

Create a suitable environment that uses “I” statements instead of words like “you” so the other person doesn’t feel targeted. 

Ask for the clarification you need or provide it to the person you need to give it to. 

Send that text, write that email, and all you have to say is, “Can we Talk” (Tevin Campbell, 1993)?

Peace and Prosperity, as always 

Jadis DeShong-Venay

References:

Beyonce. (2006). Irreplaceable [Song]. On B’Day. Stargate; Columbia.

Brown, M. (2001).Two Can Play That Game [Film]. Screen Gems.

Tevin Campbell. (1993). Can We Talk [Song]. On I’m Ready. Babyface; Qwest.

Jodeci. (1992). Come and Talk to Me [Song]. On Forever of My Lady. Al B Sure; Uptown/MCA.