Where Have I Been ?

I’m not even going to apologize for my abrupt abandonment of IHateAdulthood, but your girl struggled to do what she loves the most: write! 

So, instead of summarizing the last three months, I will pretend it didn’t happen, lol! 

Sike!

While I was away, I was closing chapters and starting new ones. And, to let y’all all up into my business, although you didn’t ask, I was sleeping and eating!

No, in all seriousness, I was resting while I was away. I limited all of my writing and pretended I was not a business owner at all. 

And, while I tried to give this up, it would not stop bugging me. Like Tabitha Brown said, “When God gives you a dream it doesn’t go away; it nags at you until you pay attention to it, and you see it everywhere you go” (Breakfast Club Power 105.1 FM, 2024). So, I am back and going to try this thing again because I love writing and talking to you all. 

But today’s post is not about me but all of us!

If you don’t know, I am a Breakfast Club junkie, and if they are looking for a host when Jess Hilarious goes on maternity leave, I’d love an opportunity!

But Charlamagne, the god, made a valid point yesterday while giving the donkey of the day. In a quick recap, he told single individuals they were the problem (Breakfast Club Power 105.1 FM, 2024).

And while it may have rubbed people wrong, it presented an interesting take on the importance of personal reflection and accountability.

We may be the problem, but not in how we act, but in how we attach ourselves to others. 

What Are the Different Types of Attachment Styles ?

Follow me now; I promise I will make sense by the end. 

Often, human beings operate off of the need to feel secure and safe in the world. We don’t want to feel rejected or abandoned, so we become defensive or lash out when our protection is hindered or jeopardized. 

It’s like if someone, god forbid, broke into our home, we would automatically defend ourselves with the closest object possible. 

Anxious Attachment Style:

And, sometimes, we do the same thing in relationships. For example, if we have an anxious attachment style, we often are nervous that the person we are with doesn’t love us as much as we think they should (The Attachment Project, 2024).  

So, we will have a vehement desire for intimacy or have difficulty setting boundaries. We may even need frequent affirmation and become co-dependent. 

Sometimes, this can lead to more conflict with partners due to less trust or cause individuals to react to minor situations with responses that don’t sometimes make sense. 

And, because we don’t always feel comfortable saying we are fearful of abandonment, we go around creating relationships out of anxiousness and not healing the things that have caused us to fear rejection in the first place, which may lead us to show up as controlling or jealous. 

But let’s say that’s not you.

Avoidant or Dismissive Attachment Style:

You may prefer to be highly independent and self-sufficient, which are some characteristics mental health experts connect to an avoidant or dismissive attachment style (The Attachment Project, 2024).

You may not want to depend on others, so you withdraw yourself when you get into a relationship. 

You shut down, which leads to more conflict with your partner because you don’t show emotions, have discomfort with physical closeness, or refuse help from others. 

Or, you may use the line “You’re too clingy for me” to your partner. And, in return, they shut down, but you don’t understand why.

Fearful-Avoidant or Disorganized Attachment Style:

And maybe those two don’t resonate with you at all. You may operate in between those two attachment styles.

Maybe you want love, but something makes it hard to stick with the person because you fear the concept of things working. 

You operate between the worlds of safety and fear. Sometimes, that leads you to self-sabotage or difficulty trusting someone, although you want to. 

Therefore, to “protect” yourself, you give little to no communication or cannot be vulnerable. Although you know deep down inside you want a partner that loves you for you.

This post isn’t really to say you’re the problem as the human you are. But maybe people are meeting your attachment style before they meet the beautiful human you want them to meet. 

Your attachment style may lead you to operate in a way you don’t intend to because of years of negative past relationships or situations you haven’t healed. And the person who desires to show you love can’t escape the shell. 

Takeaway’s:

Although Charlamagne’s statement may have come off to some people as harsh, it reminds us that healing can occur.

We don’t always have to show up this way, but we can in a way that authentically is us once we heal from the things we need to. 

Now, it is a challenging process. It takes time, but it is not impossible. I won’t say this is the cure.

Unfortunately, there are many people out there who are not ready for commitment. 

But, with 7.7 billion people worldwide, I know someone is out there for all of us. And, to be ready to accept their love, we must work on healing ourselves. 

Hurt people hurt people, even when it is not their intention. 

Heal so you don’t end up leaving an impact on someone else you don’t intend to. Try therapy! Try Church! Try new activities that force you out of your comfort zone! Try new friend groups and get an accountability partner.

Or, you will continue to create cycles of relationships that are not conducive and keep leading to you “being the problem!”

Of course, please leave me your feedback. Do you disagree or agree ?

Is there anything you learned from this post?

I’ll see y’all next week for our next post!

Peace & Prosperity,

Jadis DeShong-Venay

References:

Breakfast Club Power 105.1 FM. (2024, February 14). Charlemagne Calls Out Toxic Singles on Valentine’s Day [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOEUNWlWRKo

Breakfast Club Power 105.1 FM. (2024, February 1). Tabitha Brown On Purpose, Messages From God, Retiring Her Husband, New Book + More [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cc_o7_lEgqU

The Attachment Project. (2020). Attachment Styles & Their Role in Relationships. The Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/