If you’ve ever noticed yourself pretending to agree with others to keep the peace, feeling responsible for how others feel, apologizing. However, if you’ve done nothing wrong, not being able to say no to others and feeling uncomfortable more than not when someone is angry with you, then ladies, you may be experiencing tendencies associated with people pleasing. 

According to Urban Dictionary, “A people pleaser is a person who has a strong desire or self-imposed obligation to help others. People pleasers are terrified of losing the people they care about, so they go out of their way to be nice and helpful to those they have a high opinion of, often at their own expense” (Urban Dictionary, 2023). 

But, one statement that sticks out for me in the definition of what a people pleaser is: “They are helpful to those they have a high opinion of, often at their own expense” (Urban Dictionary, 2023). 

And, ladies, sometimes we will do more for others at the expense of our happiness, intentionally and unintentionally, not realizing we are creating patterns that impact us negatively daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. 

Today’s post is not to target anyone, but it is to break a cycle that it is okay to help people, but it is not okay to do it at the expense of your well-being. 

One may ask what people pleasing does to women. Don’t worry; I’ve got you an answer. 

The negative impacts of people pleasing include but are not limited to not being able to say no to others, putting others’ needs first, struggling to set boundaries, and apologizing or accepting blame when they are not wrong. 

These statements have even been proven. According to a study by YouGov, 68% of women who identify as people-pleasing put others’ needs first (YouGov, 2022). 

And, with about 49% of the U.S. identifying as people-pleasing, we needed to discuss on our page how to challenge these tendencies so that we are living life that promotes well-being.

Now that I have bored you with the statistics, I want to give some solutions. 

#1: Set you some boundaries, sis!

We have a whole discussion on how to set boundaries on our platform, so I will discuss how to do it again.

But I will remind you that boundaries allow you to be assertive and honor your inner voice. 

Even further, I want to remind you that even if others are not used to the boundaries you seek to set, it doesn’t mean they cannot become. It may take time, but standing firm in what you need allows individuals to accept your terms or remove themselves from interfering with where you’re trying to go in life. 

#2: Learn the root cause of your people-pleasing

People pleasing can start from many different places in our lives. For example, it can be a learned behavior from childhood. It could stem from fear of rejection, insecurities, trauma, or the need to be liked by others. 

Ask yourself, “When was the first time you noticed you practiced people-pleasing tendencies?”

Once you’ve been able to determine where it comes from, you can now decide what triggers cause it. 

For instance, maybe one of the triggers is conflict, anxiety that someone doesn’t like you, fear of being criticized, or nervousness of abandonment. 

Now, these are deep things, but in order to set goals to challenge your people-pleasing tendencies, you have to know where they stem from in your life. 

If you can’t determine it on your own, don’t fret. Ask someone you trust to be honest, “Have you ever noticed me practice people-pleasing tendencies?”

Sometimes, we can’t notice what we do unintentionally, but others can. 

#3: Assess how it is impacting your life

Above, I gave some examples of how it impacts women overall, but how do your people-pleasing tendencies impact your livelihood?

What does it do to you?

Do you become frustrated? Does it cause you to shut down? 

Do you avoid conflict? Does it take a shot at your self-esteem or self-confidence?

Does it lead you to be fearful to start platonic or romantic relationships? 

Does it lead to isolation?

Sis, if it is doing any of the things above, it may be time to reevaluate how you want to show up in the world. 

#4: Stop Explaining Yourself to Others. It doesn’t make you mean if you don’t.

One way people pleasing shows up in our lives is it makes us explain ourselves so that we don’t cause problems with others. 

But let me remind you that no one is owed an explanation as to why you don’t want to go somewhere, don’t want to try something, or don’t want to hang out with someone. 

Your no is good enough! 

Your no shuts it down!

Your no sets a boundary; if others can’t respect not receiving an explanation, that’s a problem! 

Let them figure out why they need an explanation, and you go live life! 

#5: Ask yourself who you want to be and who you are.

Others often influence people-pleasing and do not want to be a nonconformist. 

But what is wrong with not going with the status quo?

If you’re okay with your actions, others’ opinions shouldn’t determine how you appear.

Now, I know that is easier said than done. Let’s discuss ways to build confidence in who we are on our platform.

But, in the meantime, please ask yourself who you are, what you want to be, and how you want others to see you. 

You don’t have to act on it immediately, but you should know who you are. 

Once you know, seek help from others to help you create that image. It could be a good self-help book, a life coach, a friend, a therapist, a pastor, or a conversation with a trustworthy non-biased source. 

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received was, “If you don’t know who you are, how can you tell others.”

I am an advocate of baby steps, so please don’t think I expect you to get through each step in a day. 

There should be trial and error as you navigate each suggestion. And there is no right or wrong way of working through the tips I’ve offered. 

Take it at your own pace. 

Honor your feelings. 

But you should always check in with yourself. People-pleasing can be stopped, but it takes time. 

Don’t do it alone. Do it scared, do it frustrated, do it without knowing the outcome. 

As long as you’re choosing your well-being at all times, you’re doing the best that you can do! 

I’ll see you all in our next post!

Peace and Prosperity, as always!

Jadis DeShong-Venay

References:

Urban Dictionary. (2023). People Pleaser. Urban Dictionary. https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=People%20Pleaser

YouGov. (2022). Women are More Likely Say They are People Pleasers Than Men. YouGov. https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/43498-women-more-likely-men-people-pleasing-poll?redirect_from=%2Ftopics%2Fsociety%2Farticles-reports%2F2022%2F08%2F22%2Fwomen-more-likely-men-people-pleasing-poll