Let’s keep it 100 with one another for a few minutes. Relationships are not always a walk in the park. 

         While they can be a beautiful thing, they can also be challenging. Some days are peace, love, and happiness; others can be stressful.  

         For example, love can be quite beautiful when individuals show each other mutual respect, understanding, forgiveness, and consideration.

         But, when individuals demonstrate toxic behaviors, love becomes like a thorn in the side of a rose. 

         Toxicity, we hear that word all over our social media sites daily. Whether it is about a celebrity couple or even a personal couple we know, toxicity exists on our timeline. 

         Therefore, I probably don’t have to explain it to you since it is such a hot topic. 

         But, for those who don’t use social media. A toxic relationship is “one that makes you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked” (Verywell Mind, 2022). 

         It can be toxic when one’s “well-being is threatened in some way- emotionally, psychologically, and even physically” (Verywell Mind, 2022). 

         Unfortunately, sometimes, we don’t even know we are experiencing or contributing to toxic behaviors that often lead to the end of a relationship, a negative relationship cycle, or actions that cannot be taken back. 

         While I want this conversation to remain lighthearted, I can’t skip the implications of toxic behaviors in relationships and how they can lead to outcomes no one wants. 

         As a result, with this being domestic violence awareness month, I quickly remind myself that we may never know what someone may be experiencing behind closed doors. 

         Therefore, I want to remind everyone that if you ever need support, please know you’re not alone. 

         IHateAdulthood is always here to offer support. I have included resources below if you need additional information or would like to share it with others who may benefit. 

         Let me preface this conversation by saying that toxic behaviors do not appear in romantic relationships. They can also develop in friendships and interactions with family members. 

         But, for the sake of this conversation, I’d like to discuss romantic relationships and how we can remove problematic behaviors to elevate them one step at a time. 

         Therefore, let’s start this conversation off with a reflection. 

         Have you heard the saying, “They never want to discuss what triggered you. Just how you reacted” (IHeartIntelligence, 2023).

         If so, let’s consider how it may be true. In what ways do you resonate with that statement?  

         If not, I want you to think about a situation that has caused you to react in a manner others have misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked and how it has impacted your relationship with that individual. 

         Now that we have done a little reflection exercise, I want to discuss what that quote shows a possible example of. For example, have you ever heard of the term gaslighting? 

         Gaslighting is a “form of intimidation or psychological abuse, where false information is presented to someone, making them doubt their memory, perception, and quite often, sanity” (Urban Dictionary, 2023). 

         We can simplify this definition further by giving some more examples. 

         Gaslighting can sound like, based on context, “You’re always blowing things out of proportion. You’re always overreacting. It was never a big deal to begin with.”

         Or, it could be a statement like, “You are making things up. It’s because you’re too sensitive. You don’t know what’s true from false.”

         Each statement I have shared with you above is a different form of gaslighting. 

         For example, gaslighters can use “denial, projection, doubt, and misdirection to get out of situations” (Verywell Mind, 2023). 

         They can use any strategy to get you to doubt what you believe. 

         For example, they may lie by saying, “I never said that. You’re imagining things again.”

         Or, they could discredit your thoughts, shift the blame to you, or invalidate your feelings. 

         Have you ever been in an argument with someone, you bring up your issue, and by the end of the discussion, the other person has flipped it back on you, and you’re somehow blamed for what you brought up in the first place? 

         For instance, maybe you’re upset that your significant other isn’t making you a priority. You explain to your person, “Babe, I feel like you’re making more time for others instead of us.” But, after your partner listens to what you say, you become blamed for why they can’t make you a priority. And as a result, they discredit your statements and shift the blame to you. 

         Now, listen, we are all human. There will be moments where we unintentionally dismiss someone’s feelings or discredit them, but gaslighting is a continuous cycle. 

         It only stops once one becomes aware of the behaviors they may be participating in or experiencing. 

         Relationships come with many ups and downs, but making your partner doubt themselves so you’re not the “bad guy” is not the best approach to take with others. 

         It causes more issues in your relationship than creating safety and trust with the person you are with or want to pursue. 

         Now, everyone’s love story is different. Today’s conversation is the lighter version of what gaslighting can look like, so if you are experiencing something similar, talk to someone. 

         Show them examples of what you’re experiencing or possibly participating in. We can only break negative cycles if we know or call them out.

         So, how do we use this information to break the negative cycle and elevate our romantic relationships? 

         #1: Set boundaries

#2: Call out the behaviors

#3: Remove yourself from the relationship if things are not improving 

#4: Seek support (try couples counseling, individual counseling, speak with a life coach or a mentor)

#5: Gain some good communication skills (take a class, pick up a book, speak with an outside support resource) 

Listen, gaslighting can be unintentional or intentional. Regardless of what it is, it’s unhealthy and doesn’t help others feel safe.

Therefore, if you’re experiencing or participating in it, please know it does not have to be how it is. 

Change is possible. 

Removing toxicity so you can elevate your romantic situations is possible, too! 

Ultimately, we never know why someone may be gaslighting another person. It could be something they saw as a child, it could be something they use to “protect” themselves, and it could be for many other reasons. 

But, while all that may be true. It does not excuse the behavior.

I will leave y’all with one final quote for today, “Give chances. But don’t allow them to take advantage of your grace. Those who are truly sorry will change their behavior. Those who are using you will repeat the offenses” (York, 2023).

Now, this quote may not be valid for all. But, for those it resonates with, please know you’re not alone, and so many individuals are willing to offer you support as you remove the toxicity and elevate your experiences within the realms of love! 

If you have time, please leave a word of encouragement for someone below in the comments.  

Peace and prosperity, as always!

Jadis DeShong-Venay

References:

Gupta, S. (2023). Gaslighting Examples and How to Respond. https://www.verywellmind.com/gaslighting-examples-7567491

IHeartIntelligence. (2023). “They never want to discuss what triggered you. https://iheartintelligence.com

Urban Dictionary. (2023). Gaslighting. https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Gaslighting