Chapter 55: How to Overcome Your Fear of Commitment in Relationships?

“I am not a relationship expert in any way! Please, seek support around this topic if needed. This conversation is to bring awareness and possible solutions to a surmountable fear of commitment.”

–Message from The Writer

The great poet Mario Barrett, once said, “Oh baby, you got what I need. But you say I’m just a friend. You say I’m just a friend” (Mario, 2002).

I don’t know about you all, but as I get deeper into Adulthood,  I meet more individuals unwilling to place titles on their situation with someone. 

For example, individuals will use words that represent a commitment, but when you break it down, it means they are just friends. 

Don’t get me wrong, individuals can choose to live their lives in any way they want, and this post is not trying to convince them otherwise. 

But, I sometimes wonder if there is a reason why some individuals do not like the titles “boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, wife, or husband.”

One reason may be that they are not interested in having a relationship in that form. And, if that is the reason, I respect it.

But, if it’s because they are afraid to use those titles, I wonder how individuals can overcome their fear of commitment in relationships so they feel comfortable pursuing the relationships they genuinely want in life. 

Ladies, dating can be pretty daunting. I don’t have to discuss the horror stories of what women sometimes endure in their relationships. 

 But it can also make you feel comfortable, loved, understood, and protected. 

And, sometimes, we are blocking our blessings because we are fearful of what commitment brings to our lives. 

There are many reasons why we could be fearful of commitment. 

For example, maybe we have had bad relationships in the past, which has caused trauma; perhaps we are too scared to be vulnerable with the person we care for, perhaps we are afraid of rejection, and maybe titles scare us. 

But, by avoiding the root of the problem, we also avoid pursuing something we may want deep down inside because, in reality, we may wish for that relationship that helps improve our days. 

Honestly, ladies having commitment phobia is quite normal, but the effects of it can leave you emotionally unavailable. 

But, even further, it can leave you creating a pattern of “relationships” that are not fulfilling and don’t get you closer to the goals you have for the future. 

And, as you know, IHateAdulthood’s primary purpose is to help us elevate in Adulthood, which means sometimes we will have to get to the root of the problem to continue to grow. 

Now, while I’ve given you some reasons you may be scared to commit, let’s look at how it can appear in your life. 

You struggle to be vulnerable with others.

You self-sabotage. 

You are afraid you will be hurt, so you always keep things on a friendly level. 

You are always looking for a way out of the relationship. 

You fear being abandoned by the person you’re dealing with, so you never let them get past the “doorstep” of your heart. 

And, ladies, these signs will continue appearing in different aspects of your life. 

It won’t only be with the person you say is “just your friend,” but also family members, friends, work placements, and others who seek some a form of commitment from you, making it harder to avoid the subject. 

Even further, sometimes, we get stuck in our ways and don’t even realize we are performing these signs unconsciously because it is ingrained in our mind. 

Commitment is a challenging subject to discuss because it calls for us to challenge ourselves in ways that might be uncomfortable and considered uncharted waters. 

But, the effects of having a commitment phobia don’t only affect the relationships you try to have with a significant other; they begin to affect your relationship with yourself. 

For example, you may experience fear, stress, and even frustration. And, with Adulthood already being complex, we don’t need to add more to our plate. 

But, even further, we may become the red flag we try to avoid in the dating scene. 

So, how do we work on our fear of commitment? 

Offer ourselves grace. 

We won’t always get things right, but we should be proud of our progress as we try to challenge this issue.

Accept and Acknowledge the fear we are experiencing.

 It is okay, sis! You’re not alone!

Get support around the fear. 

Try individual talk therapy, talk to a life coach, see a relationship expert, pray, or seek counsel from someone you feel comfortable expressing yourself to. 

Through getting support, you can also work through some of the possible traumas you may have experienced that are causing you to experience the fear you have. 

Pace yourself in relationships, moving forward. 

Not every person deserves your commitment, but when you find the one you want to give it to, take your time. 

Communicate where you are with your potential person. 

Having open, honest, and transparent communication will help you in ways you will never know. 

Sometimes the person you’re pursuing doesn’t know what you’re enduring internally. 

Therefore, you have to share with them and allow them to offer support in areas they can. 

But, even further, it will allow you all to have a better understanding of where you both are and allow you to grow together instead of apart. 

As I prefaced in this conversation earlier, I am not a relationship expert. 

Shoot relationships can be as complicated as Adulthood sometimes. 

But, our conversation today was to call out a topic I often hear but don’t see many resolutions. 

And there are individuals out there seeking support to overcome a conquerable fear. 

If you may be experiencing this or know someone who is, please know you’re not alone. 

Fear is normal. But fear can also be reversed!

Let me know in the comments below your thoughts! 

Should we continue to discuss relationship topics on IHateAdulthood? 

If so, what topic should we address next? 

Peace + Prosperity, as always!

Jadis DeShong-Venay

References:

Mario. (2002). Just a Friend 2002 [Song]. On Mario. Campbell; J.