Chapter 50: Let’s Talk Healing: Sis, What Role Do You Play in Your Demise?

While scrolling on Instagram a few weeks back, I encountered a post that caught my eye. 

It stated, “Healing also means taking an honest look at the role you play in your suffering” (Subconscious Thinkers, 2023). 

Immediately, I was taken aback by the statement because no one had ever made me think of healing in this way. 

After speaking with a homegirl, I understood what the quote truly meant. For example, while I am not a perfect human being, I always thought my healing journey was rooted in removing toxicity from my life, but it made me wonder if I should be removing myself from my life, as I may have been the toxicity. 

Don’t get me wrong. I can be accountable for my actions. But I never thought about it in this way. 

For example, I might have needed to sit down and say, “Jadis, check yourself.”

Because I might have been playing a consistent role in my own suffering and, as a result, contributing to my demise. 

Now, I am not removing the responsibility from the other person for their actions, as we are both accountable. 

But, I am willing to look in the mirror and realize that my demise may have been created by my inability to get off the cycle of self-sabotage or negativity. 

And, ladies, I want to offer the same piece of advice to you. While we continue on this black girl healing journey to creating a soft life, we must remember to ask ourselves how we play a role in our suffering. 

While we may not be doing it consciously, we may be creating an unhealthy cycle that stops us from being able to heal in the long run. 

And, there lies the problem! We can’t continue to contribute to our suffering and not do anything about it.

But before we can do anything. We must know what it looks like.

So, ladies, what does it look like when we contribute to our demise?

It looks like self-sabotage. 

It looks like a dysfunctional relationship. 

It looks like negative self-talk. 

It looks like an unhealthy cycle. 

It looks like procrastination. 

It looks like overthinking. 

It looks like toxicity. 

But it doesn’t have to be like this. Our healing journey can be rooted in processing, evaluating, holding ourselves accountable (if needed), and learning new strategies to create different patterns. 

And I know y’all will ask me how, so don’t worry. I have a few GEMS.

#1: Work on your self-sabotaging tendencies and negative self-talk. 

Check out Chapter 18 on our platform, Breaking Every Chain: How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Tendencies in Adulthood for further support.

#2: Take a moment to look in the mirror

Issa Rae does a fantastic job in INSECURE, demonstrating this exact step (Rae, 2021).

In almost every episode, she talks to herself in the mirror. She holds herself accountable. She laughs at herself. She cries to herself. She challenges herself. She digs herself out of the negativity that could lead to her demise. 

She does it so well that by the final episode, ISSA RAE no longer needs her mirror conversations. 

And, while you may find it awkward to talk to a mirror. I would suggest spending some time with yourself to reflect. 

The healing journey requires a lot of reflection and introspection. 

But, even further, it requires you to be honest with yourself if some of your actions may lead you to suffer. 

It doesn’t remove from what others have done to you. But it makes you ask yourself, “Maybe if I do something different the next time this happens, it won’t cause me to feel this way again in the future?”

Looking in the mirror allows you moments to check yourself, honor your feelings, and stop any unhealthy cycles that might be causing your life to spiral in a way that doesn’t feel good. 

#3: THERAPY!

Listen, you don’t have to see a therapist to go on your healing journey. But, one of the places I have learned how to be accountable is in therapy. 

It holds me accountable because if I am assigned a homework assignment, I don’t want to tell my therapist I didn’t complete it the following week. 

And, while therapists are understanding, it also takes away from the treatment plan you all have created to get you through your healing journey. 

THERAPY provides you with an outside perspective without judgment and allows you to be challenged in ways you might not be able to challenge yourself.

While your therapist won’t tell you what to do, they may shed light on the negative patterns you may have contributed to that have led to forms of suffering you don’t have to endure in the future. 

Disclaimer: I will continue to say throughout this post that taking accountability does not take away from what someone has done to you.

And, there are some things along your healing journey you will process that are NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL. 

But, some things you may have contributed to THERAPY may be helpful with processing and getting to the root of the issue so you don’t continue to contribute to an unhealthy cycle.  

Check out our Instagram stories this week to find some different places to find fellow BLACK Therapists willing to help. 

You can also check out our resource page, which I will update soon!

#4: Change up your patterns!

Once you have checked in with yourself, it’s time to implement different strategies to handle similar situations.

For example, you might have to remove yourself from the toxic relationship. 

Or, you might have to step back from some things in your life that are DRAINING you. 

Even further, you might have to change how you communicate because the anger you’re displaying may leave you to suffer in a way that isn’t necessary. 

Ladies, healing is not easy. 

It is not something that will happen overnight. 

It may require years upon years. 

But the more you heal, the more you will evolve. And, you will notice things about yourself that may have tried to stop you from reaching the “paradise” you seek. 

I will continue to discuss healing on our platform throughout the month. 

But, I want to ask you one question, “If you were to have a conversation with yourself, have you, by chance, consciously or unconsciously played a role in your suffering”?

If so, how has it affected you?

If not, how can you make sure it doesn’t?

Let me know in the comments your thoughts. 

See you all in our next post!

Peace & Prosperity,

Jadis DeShong-Venay

References:

Subconscious Thinkers [@subconsciousthinkers]. (2023, April 21). “”Healing also means taking an honest look at the role you play in your suffering are [Photograph]. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/CrT0ufxszYV/

Rae, I. (Executive Producer). (2016-2021). Insecure [TV series]. HBO.