Chapter 32: Just Because It Wasn’t Your Intention Doesn’t Mean It Didn’t Leave an Impact: A Conversation About Intention vs. Impact in Relationships

Arthur Carmazzi once said, “Every action we take impacts the lives of others around us. The question is: Are you aware of your Impact” (Carmazzi, 2021)?

And I will be the first to admit I am not.

I don’t always know if I am causing harm to others with my words or actions. But I’ve learned that regardless of how I feel, someone may be offended or hurt by things I do. 

While my intention may not have been to harm, there could be tons of people I have met in my twenty-four years of living that I have damaged. 

There are countless stories I could share with you from my life where I never noticed the negative Impact I left on people because I did not intend to do so.

Although I had other intentions, my Impact could have been detrimental to people around me. 

And, ladies, we are all guilty of this. We may think we are doing everything correctly, dotting all I’s and crossing all T’s. But we could still be causing damage we can’t repair. 

Let’s explore for a second. We have all lost a friend or had a fallen out with someone we considered dear to our hearts. At first, we probably were confused about why the person was upset with us. We probably cursed them out, told our other friends they were being “sensitive,” and stated, “I won’t apologize for something I didn’t intend to do.”

But, in reality, we may have indeed done something wrong, and our pride/ego won’t let us take accountability for what we’ve done. 

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes in relationships, the other person is tripping, but there are moments when our intentions don’t match the outcomes of how someone receives our actions. 

One’s intention is what one planned to do, but one’s Impact is a result of their actions. 

You may have intended to help your homegirl by telling her she is showing too much cleavage in her dress. But, it has impacted her because she now feels judged and like she is being criticized by someone she thought always had her back. 

Or, you may have intended to help your boyfriend with his paper. Therefore, you offered him some constructive criticism. But, it has impacted him because he now feels like you are overly critical. 

Let me give you an even deeper example. You may have sent your friend’s picture and contact information to one of your homeboys after hearing her complain about not having someone on valentine’s day. You intended to support your friend so she isn’t lonely, but the Impact is that you’re stepping over your boundaries. She may say, “I didn’t ask for your help, and now I am embarrassed. I am not some charity case.”

Whether scenario A, B, or C resonates with you, we can all see that our intentions don’t always equate to our Impact. 

Therefore, what do you do when your intention doesn’t match the result of your actions?

And, ladies, there’s only one thing you can do, COMMUNICATE. 

Communicate so there is no room for ambiguity. 

Communicate even if the other person can’t see where you are coming from and may not find your intention justifiable. 

Communicate even if you don’t always like expressing yourself. 

Communicate, communicate, and communicate some more. 

Often, we lose people because we don’t tell them what’s happening. We will sit for weeks waiting for the other person to tell us how they really feel when we know we’ve hurt them deep down. 

Now, I am not saying this happens in all scenarios. Sometimes we don’t know. Sometimes we think we are helping, showing empathy, or caring. 

But, I am here to tell you today, it is not always received that way. Therefore, you have to communicate when someone informs you they have been offended, hurt, or damaged by the effects of your intentions. 

And, let me add this in as well. If someone has done you wrong, you need to communicate too. You probably have racked your mind, spoken to your other homegirls, and told your mama that they are awful and weren’t as good as you thought.

When they don’t even know what’s happening, they may think you’ve abandoned them, not knowing they have caused an issue. I am not saying everyone is innocent. But, many friends, relationships, marriages, and business partnerships have ended over the lack of communication about how someone’s intentions didn’t match their Impact. 

I could give another example outside of relationships. Recently, in my local city of Boston, a monument was placed in the Boston Commons to honor the life and dedication of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Coretta Scott King. 

Now, I am not here to say what it does or doesn’t look like on this platform. I will say that although it may have been the artist’s intention to create a life-size image of the embrace of the beautiful King’s family, it doesn’t mean its Impact will reflect such a thought. 

#PleaseGoSeeItForYourself

Just like art is subjective, so are your intentions. Although you meant one thing, it doesn’t mean others will receive it the same way. 

How do we do better?

1.  We communicate

We have complex, challenging, and open conversations that make a difference. 

2. We take accountability

If you have harmed, apologize. But please don’t stop there. Take a mental note and try your hardest not to commit the same action again. 

And don’t hit them with “I am sorry you felt that way.” Instead, offer an apology that doesn’t dismiss their feelings. 

Offer a sincere and thoughtful apology that doesn’t give an excuse but explains why you are sorry for the harm you caused. 

And, if you still are confused, ask for time to process. I don’t know if they will want to speak later, but at least when your apology comes, the person knows you have thought it through. 

3.  We clarify

If it wasn’t your intention, explain what you intended to do. Clarify for the person why you did what you did, and honor if the way they received it is different from your intent. 

4.  We empathize. 

Ladies, it is not the same as sympathy.

 Empathy is the “ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts and feelings of another person. It involves experiencing another person’s point of view, rather than just one’s own, and enables prosocial or helping behaviors that come from within, rather than being forced” (Psychology Today, 2022). 

After you hear how you impacted the person, please take a moment to walk a mile in their shoes. If someone caused you harm, you would want the same. 

After thinking about how it has impacted them mentally, physically, or emotionally, please empathize. 

If you don’t know how to do so, I can make a post on it at a later date.

But here are a few examples. Be supportive, acknowledge how they are feeling, listen, and ask with curiosity to better understand why the person feels the way they do. 

As I said above, this may only fix some things with the person you may love. But it can make a difference. 

Ladies, we can’t always be perfect. And this post in no way is to tell you to do so. Instead, it teaches us to improve ourselves. 

We may not always understand where someone is coming from, but we can empathize. 

And, through our empathy, we can understand the fundamentals of how essential understanding intent vs. Impact is in our relationships. 

Intent vs. Impact doesn’t just matter in platonic or romantic relationships. It also holds importance in the workspace. 

If someone has harmed or offended you at work, communicate. If you have unintentionally hurt or offended someone at your workplace, speak up. 

We can only try!

Hopefully, others will see the same on their end. 

Therefore, ladies, remember that just because you didn’t mean it doesn’t mean it didn’t leave an impact.

See you in our next post!

Peace and Prosperity,

Jadis DeShong-Venay 

References:

Carmazzi, A. (2021).The “Colonel’s” VFV Motivational/Inspirational Quotes & Message of the Day. Warriors for Life. https://www.victoryforveterans.org/post/the-colonel-s-vfv-motivational-inspirational-quotes-message-of-the-day-70

Psychology Today. (2022). Empathy. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/empathy