Chapter 26: The Art of Letting Go: Forgiveness 101!

First, let me apologize for being two days late in posting this week. If you follow us on Instagram, then you already know I have been swamped this week with final papers, but y’all, Grad school is almost over! We thank God because your girl is ready to be done!

But I didn’t want the week to go without talking to you all! So, I ask for your forgiveness for being late this week! 

Although I am a little late, I wanted to drop some GEMS on you all about the Art of Letting Go!

I can’t lie to you all; I have been seeing the word forgiveness a lot these past few months, and I’ve also been ignoring it. 

Forgiveness is such a tricky thing, and honestly, y’all, everyone doesn’t deserve your forgiveness. 

As I had shared before, I didn’t have the most incredible experience in college, so when I returned to my alma mater this past weekend, all of the negative thoughts/fears popped into my mind.

While I was there to do one of my favorite things: support fashion! I still was nervous about what would occur, who would be there, and how the interactions would go.

And I am here to say that the only words I heard was letting go! 

As much as I tell you to try therapy, please believe your girl attends weekly! And one of the things I have spoken with my therapist about multiple times is that I want to let go and close the chapter of my years in college!

And I am very proud to say I closed the final chapter this past weekend! 

But, honestly, it didn’t break down to me forgiving anyone specific. It broke down to me, unburdening myself from the past situations at my alma mater. 

For thirty seconds, I was transported back to a 19-year-old girl trying to figure out how I would survive the rest of the school year. But then I walked past one of my favorite library chairs where I used to pray to God to get me out of there, and realized I survived. 

But I won’t lie. Learning to unburden me from all that has occurred was difficult. I came out of college with many defensive mechanisms and worries about how others would treat me in adulthood. 

For example, I was like DJ Khaled. I didn’t need any new friends! I was not willing to step out of my comfort zone out of fear that I would be the bad guy or get hurt again!

And it took much praying, journaling, going to therapy, and discussions with my support systems to even try to speak to others and not fear that it would replay what I endured only a few months prior. 

Once I got over that hump, I knew the only other hump was to unburden/let go of what had occurred. Therefore, I had to talk it out and list the individuals I had to forgive to move on. 

Because y’all holding grudges against people who have moved on in life is not fun!

While we may want others to feel the same way we do, and sometimes they do. There are other times when others don’t even realize they have caused damage and others who don’t give a damn. 

And I had to learn that the hard way! 

Now, you all may say, why not pick up the phone and call them to discuss what happened? But, I will be honest, my pride got in the way. I didn’t even want to understand what went wrong because I had already blocked them from my daily life. 

So, instead of always being the bigger person, I took a different route. I found closure by letting go differently. I let time fade and heal at a slower pace. 

Others may have seen it as me not caring, but I was trying to find my footing in adulthood post-college, which is a hard transition. In college, you think you have freedom and are making adult decisions, but it can be pretty shocking. 

And I had to get used to that before I could even try to unburden myself from those I had negative experiences with throughout college. 

Now, you may ask Jadis, “how did you do it?” And here is where the GEMS come into play. 

Before you can start the letting Go/Unburdening process, we should discuss what it offers you.

Letting Go helps you hold fewer grudges and heal. 

It can help heal relationships.

It can help close chapters or bring closure. 

But most importantly, it can provide FREEDOM! 

Therapists will tell you there are multiple phases to forgiveness, and I can agree! 

One forgiveness model tells us there is an Uncovering, Decision, Work, and Deepening phase. 

In the Uncovering Phase, individuals can improve their understanding of their grievances and how it has impacted their lives. 

You may describe what the person has done to you and how it has impacted you negatively. 

In the Decision Phase, individuals gain a deeper understanding of forgiveness and decide whether to forgive.

You may figure out what forgiveness in this situation looks like for you. You may also list why you should or not let go of the problem. 

In the Work Phase, individuals will begin to understand the offender in a new way, which may allow them to see the offender in a more “positive” way. 

You may think about the offender in a different light. For example, you may try to walk in their shoes for a while. In walking in their shoes, you may become aware of more “positive” attributes of the person or why the person may have behaved the way they did. 

Lastly, in the Deepening Phase, individuals further decrease their negative feelings toward the situation they endure. 

In the final stage, you may reflect on things you have done to forgive and process how you have felt free from letting go!

As I worked through these stages, I didn’t do them in a specific order. I bounced around because sometimes I thought I was ready to let go, but your girl wasn’t. 

And, let me tell you, there is no rush, and you may get through the stages like, Nah, this person doesn’t deserve my forgiveness at all! 

Ladies, please know that’s okay! You don’t have to forgive someone at any specific pace, and don’t let others in your life say to you “move on already.”

You take as much time as you need because rushing the process doesn’t remove your negative feelings towards the person any quicker. 

You will see that person, and the same anger you had two weeks ago will still exist! 

So, please take your time! And seek support if it is too hard to do on your own! 

In addition, to working through the stages, ladies, you can also do a few things to support the process. 

For example, you can take responsibility for your role in the situation. 

Let me tell you, now accountability is not a fun ride! But, without accountability, you can’t unburden yourself from all that has occurred. 

I had to do this when I reflected back on college heavily and realized I also played a role in things. I did damage just as much as others offended me, whether unconsciously or consciously. 

While I may not have meant to, I hurt others in ways I may never know. And for that, I genuinely ask for forgiveness. As I work through my graduate program, I realize that you may never know how you hurt someone, and that’s okay. But, it would be best to always remember that your actions can hurt others because what you do in life will always have different effects on the people around you. 

Additionally, you can ask God to help you forgive! God teaches us always to turn the other cheek, but Lawd, I will admit that it’s not easy. 

But, by turning the other cheek, you don’t give energy to people who don’t deserve it! For example, cursing out that girl who did something to you will only make you feel better for the moment. Afterward, you will still feel angry.

Therefore, please don’t give them your energy. Walk away. Reflect. Cry. And ask God to handle the rest. I know that sometimes we feel like he is taking long and want to handle it on our own. But let God do what God does best! Handle stuff we cannot! 

After you pray, it may also be helpful to FORGIVE/UNBURDEN yourself!

While it is difficult to forgive those who have committed an injustice against you, it is even harder to forgive yourself for the actions you have committed. 

So, ladies, let go! 

Forgive yourselves for not knowing better. 

Forgive yourselves for only operating from the view of life you could see. You did not know what the future would hold! 

Forgive yourself for yelling, cursing, and telling another person off. 

Forgive yourself for your mistakes because you don’t deserve to carry around the burdens associated with the situation.

Letting Go is about unburdening yourself so you don’t have to carry the weight of Yesterday!

Unburdening: Relieve yourself of the stress or anxiety something or someone is causing you. 

I will tell you once I let go of Yesterday. The next day always has been better. 

It may not always feel the greatest, but it sure does feel lighter seeing someone’s name on social media and not feeling triggered. 

Or, seeing them in public and not going, “oh shoot, let me hide.”

Unburdening yourself allows you to move on, find your voice again, and enjoy what the present moment has to offer you. 

Of course, if you ever need resources on how to do it in your personal life, please don’t hesitate to reach out!

Don’t beat yourself up if it takes a while to forgive. Offer yourself grace and take the time to get to the root of what is making it challenging. 

Love on you! 

And, if forgiveness leads you back to the person, remind yourself that you may have to forgive again!

I will see you all in our next conversation.

Remember to sign up for the Vision Board Party on our Instagram Page!

See you all in our following discussion!

Peace + Prosperity, as always!

Jadis DeShong-Venay 

References:

Mind Fuel Daily. (2022). Stages of Forgiveness. Mind Fuel Daily. https://www.mindfueldaily.com/livewell/stage-of-forgiveness/