Chapter 23: Why Does My Crown Seem to Bother Yours, Sis?

One of the most comfortable places for Black women is the hair salon. 

And, honestly, it is more than just going to find a new hairdo. It is where we go for advice, hear the latest gossip, laugh, cry, complain, and even find solace. 

The relationship Black women have with their hair can often be one of the most important relationships we have with ourselves. If not the most important. 

We will spend hours in the hair salon, watching how-to videos on Youtube, and consulting with our homegirls about our next hairstyle for the next two weeks. 

Whether in a protective style, natural, or even something just for 24 hours, a woman’s relationship with her hair is critical!

But, I’ve noticed recently that everybody seems to have an opinion on how Black woman’s hair should be worn. 

Workplaces have an opinion. 

They tell us that braids and afros are not appropriate for the workplace. 

Social media has an opinion. 

They tell us that wearing colored hair is not appropriate. 

But, then, there is a rule we place on ourselves. I am unsure where it comes from, but I can’t lie. It bothers me. 

Natural hair women vs. relaxed women have become a constant topic of discussion in my group chats amongst my friends. 

And, with Tracee Ellis Ross’ Hair Tales (Davis, 2022) and Tamron Hall discussing hair on her show, the topic has come up again (Hall, 2022)!

Now, ladies, let me start by saying I don’t care if you wear your hair natural, have a weave, got a wig, get your hair braided, or have a relaxer!

Baby, whatever makes you happy and works for your lifestyle, I support it. 

But I don’t support us becoming one another’s enemies by imposing our opinions in places they don’t need to be.

Before writing this post, I ran a poll on IHateAdulthood’s Instagram page about how many women who follow our blog have heard hurtful statements about their hair. And there was not a single person that voted no. 

And it made me sad because why does my crown seem to bother another sister’s crown?

This post is not to bash anyone but to bring awareness to what we are doing to one another when we stick our business in places we don’t belong!

Don’t get me wrong; if your homegirl’s hairstyle looks a little shaky, let her know. But don’t bash her because she doesn’t want to be natural or relaxed like you!

Unless you plan on waking up every morning and doing her hair, the way she has decided to maintain it is none of your business. 

Our hair is our resistance! Therefore, whatever way a woman feels comfortable wearing her hair is best for her!

If she chooses to wear an AFRO, TWISTS, BRAIDS, RELAXED HAIR, SEW-INS, WIGS, or STRAIGHT, it makes her happy!

We were not placed on this earth to judge and dictate to others why they do what they do!

We are here to support one another. 

Let me tell you; it’s not that the woman who relaxes her hair doesn’t like her natural hair. 

And it’s not because she can’t manage it! It’s because she chooses to wear her hair in the style she wants. 

The same concept goes for the girl who likes how her natural tresses look!

Because maintaining natural or relaxed hair takes work! 

Let me put this differently. Our society already tells us what is and what isn’t acceptable regarding black hair. Society shames us, strips us of our beauty, and tells us to subscribe to their norms. 

Therefore, we shouldn’t do the same to our own. I am not saying we are the only ones involved in the natural vs. relaxer conversation. But I am asking you to think before giving your opinion. 

I can proudly say that I am a natural girl who likes to straighten my hair. But don’t get me wrong, I will rock some braids, wear my natural hair out, and no matter my hairstyle, I will rock it with pride. 

But, I was raised by a woman who relaxed her hair for years, and she was the epitome of beauty to me. It wasn’t because of what her hair looked like, but it was the way she carried herself.

Ladies, we are different people when we get our hair done! The confidence that radiates off of us is fantastic! 

So, if you have decided natural is the way for you and your children, then kudos!

And if you have decided being relaxed is the way to go, then kudos to you too!

What I do to my hair should not bother you, sis. 

It should not rile you up so much that you leave negative comments under my photos.

It should not make you feel inferior! 

It should not make you want to crucify me for being me because you wouldn’t want someone to do that to you!

But it’s not only with the natural vs. relaxer conversation! It’s the judgment women receive for their sew-ins, braids, and wigs!

You never know why someone is wearing their crown the way they are!

It could be so they can manage their hair better!

Maybe someone never taught them how to do their hair, and they were too scared to ask for help out of judgment.

#Icantbraid 

Maybe they are experiencing alopecia and want to conceal what is going on. 

And maybe they like their hair just how they paid for it to be done!

Whatever the reason is, it’s not for you to criticize!

My crown is my crown! And your crown is your crown!

However, you rock it; love is up to you!

And don’t worry, this message isn’t just for the ladies. It’s for my Black men too!

Please stop trying to dictate how Black women should wear their hair. 

How we rock is how we wish!

Please don’t criticize us! Show us kindness, tell us we are beautiful and support us as we build our relationship with our hair!

Now, not all men do this! But, for those who do, please read the message above again and apply it to your lives accordingly. 

Because, as I said above, unless you plan on helping me do my hair daily, it’s me vs. my hair! And let me let you know my hair often wins!

Being in grad school, I need a quick hairdo! I need manageable! 

I barely have twenty minutes between my internship to my job. Therefore, having a simple hairstyle gets the job done!

So, ladies, the next time you see a fellow sister walking down the street with a hairstyle you may not have worn for yourself, smile and keep it pushing!

Your crown works for you, and her crown works for her!

And that’s precisely how it should be at all times!

Of course, please leave me your comments below!

Let me know if you agree or disagree!

And, know this is no shade to anyone, just a response to some things I’ve seen recently!

I will see you all in our next post!

Peace and Prosperity, as Always

Jadis DeShong-Venay

References:

Hall, Tamron. [The Tampon Hall Show]. (2022, November 3). This Beauty Writer’s Candid Debate About Perms & Black Hair Went Viral [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yh_thBAxCNQ

Davis, Michaela [Tracee Ellis Ross]. (2022). Hair Tales [Video]. Hulu. https://www.hulu.com/series/the-hair-tales-7dcb720a-530a-4e41-a59b-eafa5f1fe858