Chapter 19: Heart Break Central: How To Get Over a BreakUp 101

Ladies, I’m not even going to sugarcoat it for you. Breakups are hard! 

They can be one of the most challenging things to navigate throughout our lives!

But, as adults, they can even be more challenging because you have to figure out how to mend your heart, make it to work each day, and pay your bills, which was not easy the last time I checked.

Frequently, we feel like we have to mend our hearts on our own, but I am here to tell you otherwise!

No one will tell you that you have to mend your heart or heal on your own; everyone needs support, and that’s what IHateAdulthood is here for, through thick and thin. 

Because, as much as it sucks healing from a broken heart, it feels damn good when you have healed and can enjoy the next stage of life entitled singleness. 

Or, as Trina says, “I’m single again, back on the prowl” (Trina, 2008).

Therefore, ladies, let’s use the next few minutes to help you regain your groove and prepare for the challenging journey ahead. 

Although it may be rocky, I want you to know it’s not impossible! And everyone here at IHateAdulthood got your back, and we are down to ride!

So, you may ask what the steps in the phases of healing from a breakup are!

And before we start, let me put the disclaimer out there that these steps do not have any particular order. You do them when you see fit. 

Step 1: Let Yourself Feel + Don’t rush the healing process.

It’s okay to have tearful or crying spells as you process the loss of someone you were in a relationship with for a while. 

Let yourself feel every emotion, even if others tell you it is time to move on. 

As adults, we decide when to move on or let go. 

It’s also okay to be angry, sad, confused, frustrated, and fearful. Your feelings are always valid!

Process your feelings, take time to journal, and ask yourself a few questions. 

1. What did you learn from this relationship?

2. What will you do differently in the next one?

3. How can you show up for yourself at this moment?

4. How can you let others show up for you?

5. What can you use in these next few moments that will be helpful?

Please remember to take your time, though. 

Don’t rush this process if you need a month, three months, or even a year. Sista, take all the time you need. 

Step 2: But don’t do it alone!

Let others be there for you!

I know we are independent women, and we feel like we don’t need anybody.

But the most independent decision you can make is allowing others to be there for you when you need support!

If it’s your homegirls spending the night, your homeboys taking you out, your mama praying for you, your daddy taking you on daddy-daughter dates, your therapist giving you homework assignments to help you process all that has occurred take all of the support you can receive!

We are not meant to do life alone! Therefore, you shouldn’t have to do it alone either!

IHateAdulthood, your therapist, friends, and loved ones are all here to carry you until you can carry yourself again! 

Step 3: Distance Yourself From the Person

Don’t you dare stalk your exes’ social media pages; that is a recipe for disaster!

Leave that job to the social media bloggers trying to collect their checks every two weeks, and stick to your occupation of choice!

When they ask to remain friends, let them go!

Let them go when they tell you I need one more conversation for closure!

Closure does not have to come from the person. It can come from within ourselves. 

Keeping yourself connected to the person might cause harm and lead you into a “what ifs” cycle you don’t need to consider!

So, the next time they reach out, let your cellphone provider hit them with the handy dandy voicemail.

You pay a very hefty monthly for TMobile, Verizon, and other providers. Let them do some of the work for a change. 

Step 4: Date Yourself Again, Beloved!

It will help you boost your self-esteem and increase your confidence and also help you remember who you are!

You are a unique and talented woman that is breaking down barriers!

You are a unique and talented woman who can start over again!

You are a unique and talented woman who is single again and back on the prowl!

Do the things you were asking your ex to do for you!

Buy yourself flowers, take yourself out to eat, pay for your hair, travel to the Country you want to go to, and buy yourself that designer purse!

You deserve it, beloved!

And so much more!

Learn to love you again! And enjoy the process while learning what you like about yourself, what you want from a relationship, and what you will no longer put up within one. 

But most importantly, reflect and process as you date yourself. Ask yourself questions like, 

1. What do I love about myself?

2. Can I find happiness in my singleness?

3. What have I learned about in this new season of life?

4. Who will I show up as in my next relationship or stage of singleness? 

Step 5: Take a break from dating!

I know rebounds can be the status quo!

But please know that you don’t have to rebound if you don’t want to!

While I am not here to judge, you will drag it into the next relationship if you didn’t deal with it yesterday. 

Therefore, it is vital, ladies, to heal and not let others interfere in your process!

I know we want to feel good, but sometimes waiting is the best thing!

Even if it is only a month, give yourself time to heal and process!

And when you’re done, listen to VEDO’s steps. 

“Boss Up, Fix Your Credit, Get Your Honor Back, Hit the Gym, and Get Back Fine. Unlock Potential You Didn’t Know You Had in You” (VEDO, 2020)!

I hope these tips will help you heal from your subsequent breakup or the one you’re processing right now!

It will not be easy! But I know you’re capable of anything you put your mind to and even more!

Losing a relationship does not define you or make you who you are!

Work through the five stages of grief! But when you’re done, move on with your head held high, ready to conquer the world!

Please, know that this is only temporary! Like my girl Glorilla says, “Every day the sun won’t shine, but that’s why I love tomorrows” (Glorilla & Cardi B, 2022)!

Peace and Prosperity, as always, 

Jadis DeShong-Venay

References:

Glorilla & Cardi B. (2022). Tomorrow 2 [Song]. Tomorrow 2 [Album]. Tomorrow 2.

Trina. (2008). Single Again [Song]. Still da Baddest [Album]. Still da Baddest.

VEDO. (2020). You Got It [Song]. For You [Album]. For You.