Chapter 18: Breaking Every Chain: How to Stop Practicing Self-Sabotaging Tendencies in Adulthood!

Ladies, can we keep it 100 with one another? Navigating adulthood is exceptionally challenging. 

But more importantly, navigating it in healthy ways can be even more daunting. 

Today’s lecture is very near and dear to my heart because I, too, suffer from self-sabotaging tendencies as much as the next woman in our society. 

While it may seem surprising, we often undercut our successes by getting in our way. 

You may ask why Jadis? Why do we practice self-sabotaging tendencies? 

And, ladies, there are many different reasons!

Sometimes we are scared, sometimes, we have experienced rejection in the past, sometimes, we are modeling the same behaviors of those around us, and sometimes we have created lives that are adaptive to maladaptive behaviors. 

Whether we practice these tendencies consciously or unconsciously, we create negative cycles in our lives that are often hard to break.

You may also ask what self-sabotaging actions look like, Jadis.

And, it can be a mixture of many things, including procrastination, doing something you’re not supposed to despite setting a goal, avoiding commitment, avoiding our responsibilities, feeling inferior to other’s success, negative self-talk, not taking care of yourself, not asking for help, and doubting one’s self. 

But, today, we are going to change that together. We will collaborate to break the negative cycle of self-sabotaging tendencies in our adult lives. 

Now, let me provide a disclaimer, this will not be an easy journey. 

All my suggestions should be taken in baby steps, as “Rome was not built in a day.” 

But, all it takes is one conscious effort for change to occur. 

Therefore, Sista, let’s help one another stop the negative self-sabotaging tendencies we implore in our lives by using some of the GEMS I will drop for you below. 

Step 1: Let’s Figure out why you’re practicing such tendencies.

Ladies, the best place to understand why something is occurring in your life is to do the inner work. 

My auntie in my head, “Iyanla Vanzant, once said, “Doing the work means getting to know the truth of who you are and the best of who you are” (Vanzant, 2018)

Now this task will not be easy! But let me provide some questions you can utilize to help make the process easier. 

What patterns do you see in your life?

Have any of these patterns occurred before you had a moment of success? 

What stopped you from pushing forward? 

What made you nervous or scared to achieve the goal you have been working so hard towards in life? 

Now, you know I am all about examples! And this blog is where we can learn from each other’s mistakes!

I can remember when I was applying for my master’s program! I only applied to one university, fearing I would not get in. There were no reasons to justify this thought process, but I went along with it for the period. 

As a result, I procrastinated and procrastinated on applying for financial aid. And when my school responded with a Yes, earlier than I expected, I panicked. I became nervous because I wasn’t going to have financial aid and wouldn’t be able to afford school. 

It was at that moment that I realized I was practicing self-sabotaging tendencies. After having a rough time in college, I doubted my abilities. As a result, I almost blocked a blessing because of my fears and procrastination. 

I am glad to say it was not too late, and I received a financial aid package. But more importantly, I got to take five steps forward in accomplishing my next goal. While the jury is still out on completing this program, as I am in the thick of it, I am not too far away from completing one of my most significant goals in life thus far!

So, ladies, I offer you step 2: Stop Procrastinating.

Procrastination: The act of delaying or postponing something is blocking your following blessing (Dictionary, 2022).

I know it is easier to procrastinate than to complete a task. 

I understand the anxiety around having to complete a difficult task and pushing it off until the last minute. 

But, when we do that, we are doing more harm than helping ourselves. 

And, ladies, we aim to create lives conducive to our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. 

Therefore, ladies take this time to get organized. 

Set small goals and prioritize the ones that will help you create the dream woman you want to be. 

There is a saying that you should show up in life as the woman you want to be, even before you’re prepared to be the woman you want to be. 

Therefore, ladies, hold yourself accountable, take breaks, and reward yourself for your accomplishments. 

But more importantly, ask yourself, does the woman you want to be in the future procrastinate? If she doesn’t, work towards eliminating minor distractions that can make a difference. 

While it may be difficult, it’s not impossible! 

And I am here to support you every step of the way. 

Minor distractions may be blocking numbers on your phone from people who are trying to stop you from reaching your next level of growth, it may be setting timers on your phone for your social media app usage, and even having to stop watching your favorite reality tv show for a few weeks so you can use the time to work on your next goal. 

Making small changes can make a significant difference. 

Step 3: You don’t have to be perfect!

Listen, I know in our society, Black women have to work ten times harder, But I am here to tell you that while it is essential to work hard, it is also important to offer yourself grace. 

We cannot be perfect at all times, and we cannot expect others to be perfect every second of the day. 

Sometimes the most prominent self-sabotaging tendency we consciously or unconsciously contribute to is perfectionism. 

We won’t put out the new business because every detail has to be perfect. I am not here to say that you should do half the work. I am here to say that it is okay for others to see your process. 

It’s okay for others to see you make mistakes! You will see my process on this blog, and I am not ashamed of that because I am not perfect!

But more importantly, I will not try to teach perfectionism on this blog. I want us to all strive for greatness but not flawlessness.

We all have flaws! And, it’s in the imperfections that we see and show others our uniqueness. 

I know it is hard not to dot every I and cross every T, but it’s okay if you can’t every time!

You’re human, and that’s what makes you powerful beyond measure. 

Therefore, ladies, I leave you today with a few questions.

If you think you self-sabotage, ask yourself:

Are my actions based on fear of success?

Do I feel uncomfortable when I am making steps towards creating progress in my life?

What is stopping me from making my goals a reality?

If you can answer those few questions, you have already started the journey towards healing and challenging your life’s negative cycle of self-sabotaging tendencies. 

Ladies, doing just these few things will stop feelings of low self-esteem, discontinue participation in negative self-talk, and allow your dreams to be closer to blossoming.  

Now, I know this is a heavy topic! But IHateAdulthood is all about us conquering adulthood together, one baby step at a time. 

And, sometimes, we will have to have difficult conversations. But that doesn’t mean we can’t work together to help one another become the best versions of ourselves!

Don’t worry. We will check back soon about breaking the negative cycles that may occur in our lives!

Don’t forget to leave us a comment below on how you will stop practicing self-sabotaging tendencies!

I will see you in our next post! And I hope we can have more open and honest conversations like this in future chapters. 

Peace + Prosperity as Always,

Jadis DeShong-Venay

References:

Dictonary. (2022, October 15). Procrastination. Dictionary. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/procrastination

Vanzant, I. (2018, June 27). Iyanla Vanzant’s Steps for Overcoming Our Deepest Insecurities. Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/DrIyanlaVanzant/posts/doing-the-work-means-getting-to-know-the-truth-of-who-you-are-and-the-best-of-wh/1991495657549956/