Chapter 7: Love Don’t Cost a Thing: So, Should You Settle?

Relationship Series Part 1

I’ve often wondered if it is a good idea to settle in Love. 

After having conversations with fellow women in my life about if settling is a good idea, I was given many answers. 

Some said settling is okay, and others said hell no!

One woman said, “compromising on your “wish list” because you want to find love and don’t want to be lonely is not a good excuse to stay with someone.”

And, it seems like the minute I came to write this post for this week, the perfect example was provided from our news outlets. 

Specifically, there have been many conversations about the possibility of Lori Harvey and Michael B. Jordan breaking up.

 While I am not one to follow celebrity gossip, many thought-provoking discussions have come out after the news broke. 

One conversation I kept listening to was should women have to settle in relationships they no longer want to be a part of just because it is a good look. 

Although I am not sure if this is why they broke up, as that is their private business, it left me wondering if women should receive backlash for removing themselves from situations that no longer suit their lifestyle? 

But more importantly, it made me wonder why, when women move on often in relationships that are not conducive for them, they are judged.

What is wrong with not wanting to settle? 

While I am unsure what happened in their relationship and can’t confirm if they have even broken up, this news has sparked plenty of discussions on social media on how Black women should date in our society. 

More importantly, there have been discussions surrounding the “double standard” created in for men and women in relationships. 

For example, it’s ok for men to bounce back quickly, but for women is not considered acceptable. 

Prompting me to wonder, is it okay for women to decide not to settle in their relationships? 

Should we as women compromise on things we place on our “love wish list” because we want to find our “soulmate”?

Is creating a “love wish list” a good idea, or does it set you up to miss out on opportunities that may bring you happiness for a lifetime? 

After hearing radio stations, social media outlets, and fellow news reports on their story. I found myself discussing the topic of Love with friends, family, and my own significant other. 

It seemed like everywhere I went the discussion of settling came up, even on this week’s episode of Couples Retreat on VH1. 

Even further, while I was taking a break from school last week, the movie “Love Don’t Cost a Thing,” came onto my television offering me a little bit more perspective on this topic. 

Love Don’t Cost A Thing, released in 2003, stars Nick Cannon and Christina Milian and shows how finding Love in our society can often be tricky.

Whether you pay someone to be your “cool” significant other like Cannon’s character or realize that Love is more than one’s looks like Milian’s character, you learn two essential things. 

One, adult love is nothing like it was in high school. 

And, two deciding to settle brings both positive and negative outcomes depending on the thing you choose to compromise on in Love. 

For Cannon’s character, he learns you can’t compromise yourself. You can’t choose “popularity” over who you indeed are because you want to be famous. 

And, for Milian’s character, she learns you can’t always judge a book by its cover. Finding someone does not always match the wish list in your head. 

But, after the movie ended in such an all-is-well format, as usual, romantic movies do, I wondered if removing the fairy-tale concept would provide the same results. 

Because Love Don’t Cost a Thing is not the only movie that addresses this topic. 

There are movies like Two Can Play That Game with Vivica A. Fox & Morris Chestnut, Something New with Sanaa Lathan and Simon Baker, Phat Girlz with Monique and Jimmy-Jean Louis, and even Brown Sugar with Sanaa Lathan and Taye Diggs.  

So, what if these movies were actual love stories between two living adults. 

Would settling be considered acceptable? 

What factors would one have to consider before they decide to settle? 

Because settling for someone who doesn’t fit the ideal image in your head may seem more doable, but when you’re settling for someone who compromises your values, needs, and morals, how does that change things? 

How do we ignore the possible red flags that fly around our heads every day so that we aren’t lonely? 

Do we ignore them? Do we continue to settle because we want to be married or have a family? 

Or do we choose not to?

Listen, I am not an expert, so let me put that disclaimer out before continuing today’s discussion.

But, I’ve learned that compromising your morals for someone else is quite draining. 

So how as Independent Grown Women, do we know when it’s okay to settle and not? 

As always you know I will give you the GEMS to make life a little bit easier. 

Therefore, you know when to keep moving forward or to go ahead and drive their existence to the left. 

But, I will always say that while this guide sets out to help Black women become Independent Grown women, one should always apply these teachings based on what they believe is best in their lives. 

I am not here to tell you in Love, I am right, and you’re wrong because I do not know your specific situation. 

But, I can say there are some general questions you should ask yourself when in relationships. 

For example, does this person make you feel like you have to compromise yourself so that they can be happy? 

Does this person make you change your morals?

Does this person show too many red flags?

Red flags include but are not limited to gaslighting, being controlling, not communicating effectively, having a lack of trust, or do they have a lack of emotional intelligence?

Are you in the relationship because you’re too scared to be alone? 

Is the relationship a waste of your time? 

Does it compromise your mental health? 

Does settling and staying in the relationship make you happy? 

Are you choosing someone else’s happiness over your own? 

If you have answered more than half of these questions with a yes, it might be time to evaluate your love life? 

You might want to have a conversation with your significant other about what is working in the relationship and what is not. 

You might want to have a conversation with yourself about where you want to be in this next stage of life. 

It doesn’t mean things can’t change. But, when you know what needs to change, you can implement differences to make things happen. 

You can start to do the work to make yourself happy and break unhealthy cycles that may have existed you were not aware of before.

I am not here to say to get rid of your wish list, but maybe put yourself on the wish list higher.  

Maybe instead of creating a list that reflects the ideal person you want to love, you make a list of the type of person you want to be when you find Love. 

For example, 

Therefore, you know who you are and never settle for someone or something that makes you compromise your well-being, morals, values, and happiness. 

And maybe that’s what Lori and Michael choose to do, not to settle in their relationship. 

Whether you decide to settle or not is your choice. 

But I ask that you never settle on yourself but instead choose yourself at all times. 

Love Doesn’t Cost A Thing! 

Therefore, why settle for something that doesn’t help you grow, evolve, or change for the better? 

Don’t ignore the red flags because you don’t want to be the “single friend.”

And don’t forget yourself on the wish list you have in your head! 

Because you matter just as much as the person, you will decide to be with in the future. 

To settle or not to settle is your choice.  

But, I hope you will consider our discussion today when making your next relationship decision. 

Because adulthood is already hard enough, you don’t need more complications along the way. 

You need happiness, peace, Love, and joy. 

Although I have offered my opinion to each of you, what is yours? 

Should women not settle in their relationships?

If Lori walked away because she didn’t want to settle, does that make her a bad person?

What things are OK to settle on, and what is not OK?

Why is there a double standard for black women? 

Let me know in the comments below!

Peace and Prosperity as Always, 

Jadis DeShong-Venay