Chapter 4: Girl, Don’t Leave Your Voice at Home: The Importance of Speaking Up For Yourself!

After hosting a focus group a few weeks back to receive feedback about this blog, I spoke with a group of trustworthy Black women aged 22-35. I asked them a critical question, “if you could go back in time, what would you tell your 17-year-old self”? 

The women began to provide answers ranging from topics of listening to parents, knowing it’s okay not to have a plan, and being okay with the unknown. One piece of advice that made me ponder even further in my own life was, “I would tell myself to say no more”! 

I can’t lie. As confident as I may come off on this blog, I honestly have and still struggle with this sentiment. I always have in friendships let friends do as they pleased. While I would have feelings about things they had done, I would try my hardest to remain a “nice” person by appeasing their requests. 

Often, this would leave me empty, as there would be no reciprocity in the relationship. I would always end up doing things I didn’t want to, and it seemed like when I finally said no to a request, no one took me seriously. As a result, I would hold many things in like a caged bird, stuck and unable to get myself out of the situation. 

By the time I finally had enough, it would be too late. My anger would get the best of me, and people would not understand where my feelings suddenly were coming from in our relationship.  

 As I have gotten older, lost friends, and gained them, I have realized how not saying no and not standing up for myself has left me in positions where I come off passive-aggressive. 

While I am genuinely a nice person, I don’t particularly appreciate being played with. I will go to the ends of the world for someone I love, but I no longer am in a position to be walked all over! Or to put up with crap I don’t want to deal with anymore! 

I don’t know if other women may feel the same sentiments. Maybe it’s not with friends. Perhaps it’s in your relationships with your significant other or with your cousin, whom you consider a sister. Shoot, maybe it’s your mama! 

Whomever it is, and whatever position they play in your life, I am here to say that in 2022 (the Year of Self), we cannot let people silence us or force us into things that don’t make us happy! 

I have deemed 2022 (The Year of Me)! I have put into the atmosphere and consulted with God that I am in a collaboration project with him (shout out to Sarah Jakes Roberts) on self-improvement. But most importantly, I am on a journey to live a year of life that makes me become a more authentic version of myself.

Therefore, women, it is my promise to you and me to start speaking up for myself and putting my damn foot down in relationships. I will no longer tolerate the mistreatment that I have played a role in over the years. I take full ownership for not speaking up. 

And, yes, friends should do better to let other friends express their feelings to them. But they don’t always!

Therefore, we have to train people on how to treat us. Because otherwise, they will treat us any way they want and invalidate our feelings which is quite unfair. 

*Truth Moment*: They are only doing what we allow and tolerate. So, if we don’t accept it, people will be less likely to treat us in a way we do not desire.

Now, while I’m an optimistic person, I am also realistic. And, I would not be practical if I didn’t say this may deter people away from you, or some “friends” will not get you speaking up for yourself. Unfortunately, they get comfortable when you have played a position for so long. But that doesn’t mean you can’t change your standards! Every person can be a different person and change their expectations at any point in life. And, don’t let anyone tell you different! 

You set the standards and expectations in your life, not anyone else. My mama and I talked about this the other night as I was venting about a situation I have wanted to let go of recently. Yes, ladies, I still consult the woman who gave me life because she has the best wisdom. 

We discussed how she had a friendship with someone for many years. They started in their early twenties blossoming over time. But, when their early 30s came, something changed. The relationship dynamic shifted. My mama stopped speaking up for herself. She no longer had the exact expectations and standards when she was 20. And my mama had to create boundaries for those expectations, so she never was walked over. My mama had to speak up! 

She had to tell her friend, “I love you”! But for too many years, I have let you do what you want. I have created a pattern that is not conducive to my well-being. And while you have remained the same in our friendship, I have to let you know that I will not be the same person I was before.” 

As we get older throughout time, our relationship dynamics will change! They should change! It’s for the better! The same way my mama told her girlfriend, and she respected her wishes, is the same way real friends out here will do the same for you. 

A real friend will let you express yourself. A real friend will let you tell them when you have an issue. A real friend will consider what you have to say and not try to flip it back on you. A real friend will hear you out! 

Apply that to all of the people in your life, including your significant other, your boss, and your co-worker! Shoot, even your Pastor!

Now, I know that it is already hard to make friends as we go deeper into womanhood! We get scared that we will not have anyone if we go against the grain. But I am here to declare that the lie detector determined that it is a lie! 

There will be seasons of everlasting friendship! Seasons of supportive friends, fun friends, adventurous friends, travel friends, be in your wedding friends! 

They may be hard to find, but they are waiting for you to say hey! 

To the woman reading or listening to this who has decided to stay in relationships because they fear loneliness! Let them Go! Many other women will gladly respect your standards, expectations, and boundaries! Shoot, they will even uplift and teach you new ones to use in life that will save your heart a lot of heartaches! 

So, don’t be shy! Don’t let people walk over you! Speak up for yourself! Teach people how you want to be treated. Don’t put up with people’s BS! 

Love yourself enough to state what’s on your mind! Now don’t be out here being rude. I told all of you that when they go low, we go high. But state what’s on your mind. Be transparent! 

Be Honest! Be Open!

Speak up for yourself! Because if you don’t, others will speak for you! And, what happens when the message they are conveying isn’t the one that matches what you desire. 

Listen, I hate adulthood because navigating relationships as a child is complicated. But as an adult, you need all of the angels on your side! Adulthood relationships can be Complicated with a capital C!  

But that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible. We have to teach our friends how we want to be treated and not let our friends tell us how we should be treated!

GEM Aert: Therefore, sister, NEVER forget your voice! Like you, never forget your phone, handbag/backpack, lipstick/lip-gloss/Chapstick, or even lotion at home! Don’t forget your voice at home either! Carry it with you everywhere you go! 

Use it! 

To teach others how you want to be respected. 

Use it!

To teach others how you want to be treated. 

Use it!

To teach others your expectations in relationships. 

Use it!

Never let anyone walk over you or silence you in any way. 

Your voice is powerful! Your voice commands rooms! Your voice speaks of life and death! 

Therefore, never forget to use your voice every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every year! All 365 days of the year!

Because your voice matters! 

Your feelings Matter!

Your thoughts/desires/wishes Matter!

Your boundaries Matter!

As a result, let 2022 be the year you either re-gain your voice (like me) or use your voice in a way you have never done before.

 I am waiting to hear you!

And I am rooting for you each step of the way!

Peace + Prosperity, 

P.S. If you have time, leave a comment below telling me how and where you will be using your voice in 2022!

Jadis DeShong-Venay

References:

Roberts, S. J. [One | A Potter’s House Church]. (2022, January 7). Becoming a Different Person [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFyA3rRLGOs