Chapter 2: Let’s Talk About User Friends, Baby!

From the beginning of time, the necessity for companionship has existed.

I mean, let’s be honest, even Adam was still friends with Eve after she ate the Apple in the Garden.

So, if we have needed fellowship since Biblical times, why the hell is it so hard to find friends?

Now, I am not saying that all women struggle with this difficulty.

And, if you don’t, like Lynn, Joan, Maya, and Toni in Girlfriends, then Kudos to you.

But, for my fellow Sisters who experience this strain, the GEMS I am about to drop, I can’t lie, may need more than one post to discuss.

Tonight, the lecture at hand is the Friend Type I honestly cannot stand.

Now, I can’t lie. There may come a time you may be the user friend.

So, this is not a judgment or to make anyone feel bad.

Instead, it’s to find ways to cope with the User Friend and to not be one in the lives of those we consider dear to our heart.

Cause, baby it’s draining!

Nobody wants to deal with a user!

But, I understand it’s hard to pinpoint what a User Friend is like

So first, as always, let’s start with a definition.

What is a User Friend?

Relying on our handy dandy Urban Dictionary, a user friend is “someone who is your friend because you can provide favors for them that can range from letting them use your laundry machines to helping them with a loan.

The main characteristic of a User Friend is that they will not or will rarely return favors for you” (Urban Dictionary, 2022).

Now, user friends may not be trying to be users intentionally. They may genuinely think they are good friends.

But the lack of reciprocal behaviors returned to you does not match the energy they think they convey.  

Now, definitions are helpful, but I think examples are always better.

A few years ago, I dealt with a friend I could label as a “User Friend.”

They always needed something.

Whether it was a Birthday gift that broke my bank

Money to help pay for things

Only discussing their issues

Better yet, only addressing topics that mattered to them

And, last but not least, borrowing money and never returning the full amount.

The whole friendship revolved around them. I mean, even down to relationship issues, they only acknowledged the ones they experienced with their significant other.

I wondered if my feelings mattered at all

More importantly, I started to feel like if my phone was too quiet, something was wrong in their world

 And, unfortunately, I was always guaranteed to wake up the following day hearing of a new horror story of why they needed something or needed help with something to make it through to the next day of life.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love helping a friend.

If you need something, and I got it, I am willing to help as much as I can

But, ladies, when Monday has just passed, and I’ve paid towards rent.

Wednesday can’t come, and you already need another thing.

*If I experience no reciprocity in the relationship*.

And, y’all even when I tried to calmly have a mature conversation with her about the issue at hand.

She kindly reminded me that “I should know better, she would never do that. And, questioning if she was a good friend was not necessary.”

As a result, I responded with the words “KK”

And, for the next few days we did not speak

But, the problem did not go away

I was truly annoyed, so I did what I knew best

I texted my boyfriend

And, girl I went off for hours.   

Telling him all of the thoughts I had running through my mind

Like, “I can’t believe she couldn’t be accountable for her actions. How rude and insensitive as hell!”

“I’m done with her.”

Upset that I had even let it get this far!

And, of course, just like men always do

He said, “Babe, chill! I honestly wouldn’t even respond to her BS. I would’ve just left her on read cuz that was ridiculous.”

That’s men for you

(But another discussion for another day)

And, although he probably was right, I was still hurt

Unaware of what to do with my feelings

So, I chose the next best thing

I did a pros and cons list

On the pros side, I listed the things I liked about the friendship

And, on the cons side, I listed the things I could not stand about the relationship

By the end, the negatives outweighed the good

While, I cared for the person, if the relationship did not change

We just would have to go our separate ways

Now, it has taken me a long time to get to a place where I used my handy dandy pros and cons list

As, I have always suffered from “no matter how I’ve been treated, I still have a heart of endless love to give” syndrome

But, as I have got deeper into my twenties I have realized that comes at a cost

A cost of your well-being

A cost of your mental health

A cost of your happiness

And, ladies that’s why I hate adulthood

It’s not easy out here to find good friends

Yes, there are women out there with golden hearts

Being Black women’s cheerleaders

But, there is a group of friends who are not like that at all

Instead, they drain your energy and leave you feeling like you have done something wrong

So, what do we do?

As, Kick-Ass Black Women, how do we handle “User Friends”?

While I don’t have the remedy or the fix

I can offer some GEMS to help make the process easier

The first GEM I can offer is Communicate a.k.a. Call Them Out

Now, your homegirl may respond the same way my former one did

And, that’s okay!

It shows you exactly how you should respond the next time they ask for something

But, there are some “user friends” who are adults and can take accountability for the actions they make. There are some you can call out on their BS and find ways to move forward in a positive direction.

As, sometimes our “User Friends” just need someone to call them out in a loving way

I am not suggesting that you yell and curse them out

Even though, some of our “user friends” truly do need a good verbal slashing

I suggest the more mature route

Text them and ask them when is an appropriate time for them to talk

And, then proceed to pencil them in on your booked & productive calendar under needs to be handled immediately

When the alert goes off for you to talk

Pray

Center yourself

And, hope for the best

Calmly explain how you’re feeling, what you would like to see change, and ask them if it’s possible

And, then wait for their response

If it is, which I hope it is (A fellow Independent Grown Black Woman) response then go ahead and start clapping. The next step is just for you to find ways to reconnect

But, if they do like “Tasha” did above, go ahead and distance yourself for a while

Until, you’re ready to handle the situation head-on

Don’t go cursing “Tasha” out

Bless them with goodness and still pat yourself on the back

Because you did the first step to reclaiming your time (Rogo, 2020)….. (Shout Out to Mrs. Maxine Waters for Teaching Us How).

And, lift your head up because it’s time to activate the next GEM to help solve your problem

The second GEM you can use is not one based in irrationality

As a Black Independent Grown Woman thinks before she acts

The second GEM is one of common sense

Open your phone book and call a friend

Call your sister

Call your mother

Your Grandmother

Your cousin

Your bestie

For a good vent

Don’t talk bad about the friend, no this is not that type of conversation

This conversation is to provide you with insight on what you should do next

To be or not to be friends, is the question?

Ask your support system what they think is best

If they are like my Mama, they’ll quote Mrs. Beyoncé Knowles herself with the quickness

“To the left, To the left” (Beyoncé, 2006)

Or maybe she will tell you to hold on and not give up

Distance yourself for a while and see if there’s a change

But, after you receive that breakthrough advice from your fellow Black Queen

The third GEM will come right along to save you from the pain

Pick up that journal you bought at T.J. Maxx for $9.99 that you know you really didn’t need in the first place. But it was too cute to pass up!

Grab you your favorite pen and get ready to write

Tell your journal your thoughts

List the things you appreciate about the relationship

And list the things you do not

Get all your thoughts out

Curse if you need to

Cry if you need to

Shoot, drink a glass of wine and turn on some music

But, when you’re done getting it all out

Close your book, put your pen away, and get to ready to make the best decision for you

If you can’t deal with “Tasha” anymore because the problem has been going on for too long, then go ahead and distance yourself

However, if “Tasha” is worth the fight, take the time to understand that it is going to take a while for her to understand what you mean. She will make mistakes and you will get frustrated again.

But, you being the Grown Independent Woman in training will already be prepared.

As you will use the boundaries you have learned to set. And, will use discretion on what is best

Although, it may be hard whether you stick it out or kick that “User Friend” to the curve, just know that you’re not alone

There is not one Black woman in the world who has not had to deal with this type of situation

And, I promise it wasn’t easy for them to decide what was right to do with a friend

As, we don’t want to be lonely

Or, have no friends

Or, be the person who pushes everyone away

But, just like Mary J. Blige said “I can do bad all by myself” (Mary J. Blige, 2009)

I don’t need no one else being bad and bringing me down

We need people who will uplift and push us forward

We need girlfriends like Molly and Issa in Insecure

Pam and Gina in Martin

Whitney, Ella, Renee, and Sondi in Run the World

Khadijah, Synclaire, Max, and Regine in Living Single

We are looking for fellow Black women who will encourage us

Tell us to go to therapy

Tell us to take ourselves on a date

Tell us to stop dating that significant other that is pulling us down

Therefore, as Black Grown Independent Women we have to hold ourselves accountable. We can’t do to others what we don’t want done to us

No one wants a USER FRIEND

As a result, we can’t become one

Because our fellow Black women don’t need the stress

We need to check ourselves

And hear when a friend says “I love you girl, but you’re coming off rather user-ish”

Don’t get offended beloved

Use that information and figure out what is going on

Check-in with yourself

Journal

Meditate

And, find ways to get yourself back on track again

Maybe that’s attending therapy on how to be a better friend

Maybe that’s attending therapy to figure out what’s going on in life that is causing you to behave the way you are

Maybe that’s simply stepping back from others for a while and developing yourself

Taking 6 months to make you better

To be the best Black woman you can be

And, I know it won’t be easy, but you will feel better in the end

Your future self will thank you

And so, will your friends

User Friends are not always the easiest to deal with as they can cause a lot of pain

But, you don’t have to put up with one or be one if you do not want to ever again

My friend told me the best thing invented was the “block button”

So, block your former homegirl who was using you for too long

And, block the text message you were about to send to your homegirl asking for something that you know you just might have to get yourself

This is no dig to anyone

But rather to call out a pattern I’ve seen

And to provide some GEMS that have helped me along the way  

I don’t want anyone experiencing my pain or crying over a friend for too long

Cause girl I’ve cried enough tears for all of us

And, my ducts are becoming dried up yet again

So, handle your business and don’t stress

The friends who are meant for you will always last

And, the ones who don’t align with your goals or mission

Will dismiss themselves along the way

For my girls struggling who are the user friend

Do not worry, this will not last long

A person can change and become better

And, I know you will get it together

Because you’re maturing and becoming the Grown Independent Black Woman

You desire to be

And if no one else believes in you

Just know I surely do

Because I want to see all my Black Queens succeed

Just remember along the way it will not be easy trying to make or be a good friend

We all make mistakes and fall short again and again

But, I know y’all got this

And, girlfriend I’m rooting for you to be the best you can!

Peace + Prosperity as Always,

Jadis DeShong-Venay

References:

Urban Dictionary. (2022). User Friend. In Urban Dictionary.com dictionary. Retrieved April 27, 2022, from https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=user%20friends

Mary J. Blige. (2009). I Can Do Bad All By Myself. [Song]. On I Can Do Bad All By Myself [Soundtrack].  

Rogo, P. (2020, October). Peterzell, J. (1990, April). Reclaiming My Time: Maxine Waters Shows The Treasury Secretary That She Is Not One To Be Messed With. Essence Magazine.

Beyoncé Knowles. (2006). Irreplaceable. [Song]. On B’Day [Album]. Sony Music.