Chapter #1: No One Wins When the Family Feuds

Asserting Yourself with Family as an Adult

Whether you live with your Mama and Daddy like me or live states apart, everyone has to learn how to deal with family over the age of 21.

You may have to learn to assert yourself without hurting your dear Mama’s feelings respectfully! 

You may have to learn how to navigate conversations about significant others or partners with family respectfully! 

You may have to learn how to become your own woman with family, respectfully! 

And unfortunately, love, I can’t tell you how to do that, as I am still figuring it out. 

Painfully, day by day. 

And, let my mother tell you, as an “infant woman,” I still have some ways to go. 

But, don’t be like me causing arguments with loved ones, because they still treat you as the child you are not! 

And, don’t go out there cutting people off because they can’t see you yet! 

Because by the time you have learned to assert yourself, people will know and see you mean BUSINESS. 

I am not here to teach you to be rude. NO, we don’t want to be that at all!

 But asserting yourself doesn’t have to come off as disrespectful!

While sometimes, we will want to tell our family members about themselves! Especially those who think because you’re their “baby,” they can treat you anyway. Or, the family members who feel like you can’t bring anything to the table because you still are too young! 

I am here to uphold our Former First Lady’s sentiments “When they go low, we go high” (Benen, 2016). 

Asserting, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, is to “speak or act in a manner that compels recognition especially of one’s rights” (Merriam-Webster, 2022). 

But, if you are like me, I still use the Urban Dictionary’s definition; an assertive person is someone who can “stand up for themselves without being rude” (Urban Dictionary, 2022). Catch my Drift? 

While I have not mastered the tactic of not going off on family members, I have learned a few ways that have got me far! 

Step 1: PRAY 

• Self-Explanatory
• Ask God for the strength to commit this daunting task in love and with respect 
• And proceed only with his permission 

Step 2: LEARN THYSELF

Woman, you can’t teach someone how to TREAT YOU if you don’t know what, you will and will not accept, respectfully! 

I know it’s CLICHE, but it’s FACTS! Create your boundaries, align with them, and move accordingly when someone doesn’t respect them.

*WARNING: THE ABOVE SENTIMENT ISN’T JUST FOR FAMILY. APPLY IT TO THAT PARTNER YOU KNOW WHO IS PLAYING GAMES TOO!” 

But, um, back to the lecture at hand! 

As I said above, LEARN THYSELF WOMAN! 

Take time to learn what you like and what you don’t like. 

Make a List! 

Take 15 mins, set a timer if you have to! 

Shoot! Do at work when you are supposed to be fixing that document you no longer care about and ain’t going to complete till the next day. Anyway! 

*DISCLAIMER: DON’T LOSE YOUR JOB! YOU NEED THE $

But, try it. List out the things that work for you and don’t. 

Memorize them!

Meditate on them!

Remind yourself of them!

And, when you know them, step 2 can commence.

Step 2: LET PEOPLE KNOW

Now that you know what you like and don’t like, you can begin to tell people. 

Let me warn you now; this task will not be easy. 

If you drink, you may need something more substantial than Vodka.

If you don’t, girl, crack open that seltzer water and add some lime.

Light a candle 

Pray

Manifest, if you see so fit to because you are opening unchartered waters. 

Families do not like to be told how to handle someone different than they have deemed suitable. 

But that’s no longer your concern.

Your concern is now to be true to yourself, respectfully! 

Tell your Mama how her hurtful words make you feel, respectfully!

Tell your Daddy you can’t live his dream. He should have, respectfully! 

Now don’t go doing this all in one day. You may have no family left. Take your time; asserting yourself will not happen overnight. But, starting the conversation sure does help you get further than where you were last time. 

And, when the conversation is over, pat yourself on the back. But then get ready for Step 3: Boundaries. 

Step 3: SET A BOUNDARY

Set a boundary if you don’t like when your Mama talks down upon you. 

If you don’t like when your Uncle calls you sensitive, set a boundary. 

If you don’t like when your Grandma (Bless her Heart) doesn’t listen when you speak, set a damn boundary.

It doesn’t have to be EXTREME. Don’t go cutting off Grandma Ethel now! 

But, let MAMA know how you feel, and if she is not hearing, then you lean on that boundary. 

Let me give an example: 

I have experienced hardships with family members that I consider dear to my heart in the past. Since I have become an adult, there have been some changes in our relationship dynamics. The way I once was treated does not match how I seek to be treated now.

While there is nothing wrong with informing family members how you desire to be treated, it is not always easy! And, sometimes, you will be bothered by the incorrect ways they treat you. And while others may see it as disrespectful, it doesn’t mean that you’re being rude.

In fact, it is your way of asserting yourself as no one wants to be treated by others in a way that doesn’t respect their boundaries.

But, because some family members cannot see you outside of your child role, it may be hard for them to accept the respectful assertion you provide in conversation.  

As adults, we learn to be accountable for our actions. We also understand that when we are wrong, we need to apologize. 

But, while we can be accountable for our actions, Other adults need to do the same.

Unfortunately, not all adults can do that, and I had to learn that the hard way. Putting up with years of treatment I did not like when in reality, I wanted an apology for the actions the other had committed against me.

If I can apologize for my wrongdoings, other family members should too!
But, when they don’t, I fall on my boundaries for protection.

Boundary #1: If I have asked you repeatedly to stop doing something and you don’t, we will cease this conversation for a few days and come back at a more suitable time when my boundary is respected. 

Boundary #2: If you can’t apologize for your mistakes and in return, I am treated poorly, the conversation will no longer take place respectfully.

And, if it continues, please respectfully know we have nothing to speak about for the time being. 

Some will say I am childish. Some will say I am doing too much. But, it doesn’t matter because I know myself, and that is my boundary. 

Ladies, learning to be assertive is not easy with the ones you love. But, being walked over and treated in a way that doesn’t respect the woman you are or are becoming is not cool either. 

After having tough conversations with fellow family members, you will see that some will not deal with you the same way. There will be some that you don’t talk to as much. 

But, that’s not because you have done something wrong. Or, you have caused a problem. 

An assertion does that sometimes. 

Just remember that this comes with adulthood. Now, don’t be out here cutting off family members you need or family members you love because of one mistake. Learn when you need to apply your boundaries and how many chances you will give. But, when the chances are up, move accordingly. 

I remember mentioning to you that I hate adulthood. 

Because it’s not always easy, and there will be sticky situations. 

But, hold on to the hope that you’re aligning yourself with the woman you want to become. 

Because she is who will be staring back at you in the mirror each day, and if you are not happy with her, no one else will be. 

I am not a therapist, just offering the GEMS I have learned. 

I will make sure to update as I proceed in this life with CAUTION.

Till Next Time, 

Pray, Learn Thyself, Let People Know, Set a Boundary!   

Peace & Prosperity,

Jadis DeShong-Venay

References:

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Assert. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved April 21, 2022, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/asserting

Urban Dictionary. (2022) Assert. In Urban Dictionary.com dictionary. Retrieved April 21, 2022, from https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Assert

Benen, S. (2016, July 26). Michelle Obama: ‘When They Go Low, We Go High. The Washington Post.